Dry Humour on the Wet Coast

WOW!!! ARE YOU FRIGGIN' SEEING AT THIS!?

Hey you sloppy jerk, you got a mess on your hands? Of course you do, you’re a god damned pig, and it makes me sick. But that’s ok, you moron, I’ve got the solution to all of your disgusting problems.

No, it’s not a punch to the face, but it’s pretty damn close. I’m talking about Sham Wow! or as I’d like to call it “SHAM WOAH”

Woah, as in “Woah, hold on second, not so fast you messy jack-ass. I’m going to clean up your stupid act. AND I MEAN NOW!”

Sure, it might look like a shammy. But it’s better than a shammy. Like, if you put a shammy next to this, the shammy will look like a useless piece of crap. Kinda like you, only in shammy form.

Sham WOW! is made in Germany. You know it’s good. Nothing bad has ever come out of Germany. EVER. Eerything German is like the golden tears of Odin himself.

Sham Wow! will clean anything. Your boat. Your car. Your floor. Your walls. Your house. Your computer. Your credit report. Your filthy, filthy mind. Your checkered history with the opposite sex.

Let me put it this way: If you get a Sham-Wow, people will like you more. You will get a raise. Your car will start every morning. Your teeth will be whiter. Your vision will improve. And, you will lose ten pounds.

If you don’t buy a sham right right friggin’ now, not only will you be an incredible idiot, but there’s a good chance that you may actually be a terrible person and you probably don’t deserve a sham-wow.

No, if you’re a jerk, which I’m starting to think you might be, don’t buy a sham-wow. I don’t even know why I’m telling you not to buy one, because they won’t even let you buy a sham-wow, you douchebag.

You know what?

Screw you.

I hope you like being filthy.

ass.