Dry Humour on the Wet Coast

Natalie Portman and a happy chimp. But but don't be fooled. Given half a chance, that chimpanzee would rip off her face and eat her eyeballs.

The other night, the lady and I were having a nice relaxing evening on the couch with the pups sleeping on our lap while we internetted and watched CSI, or something.

While the calm of the night was upon us, I became concerned over a possible future that someone might have to face in their lives. And that would be one-on-one, man vs simian, bare-knuckle battle.

It could happen. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?One second you could be eating an apple fritter and sipping on a grande skinny caramel latte over at the corner Starbucks, and the next you could be fighting for your life against 50 kilograms of angry ape.

I’ve heard stories about people trying to grapple with chimps in the past, they usually result in serious injury to the human involved and light snacking on human flesh for the smaller of the two primates. That would be the chimp.

Chimps may be cute, but they’ve got all sorts of God-given (or rather, Evolutionary) advantages against a regular joe when it comes to scrappin’. For one, chimps are friggin’ strong. Like stupid strong. A full grown adult male specimen could probably rip of your arm without breaking much of a chimp sweat. Also, they have really big teeth. Really big teeth for which to bite the shit out of you. Be it your face, arm, ass, or hand, a chimp could tear your sweet pink flesh to ribbon with their badass incisors And don’t forget claws. They may look like people hands, but the filthy paws of these damn dirty apes arm equipped with super tough scratchers can cut through people’s tummies like a hot knife through something that is fairly easy for a hot knife to cut through.

This one old guy tried for fight a chimp over in California back in ‘05 and the monsters “… chewed off most of Davis’ face, tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals.” Yikes!

And don’t get me start on the ramifications of that little bastard gets his mitts on a gun.

So how can you win? Well you can’t, I don’t think, against one of the bigger ones. So lets say you’re up against on of the more evenly matched ones. Say, an 80 pound female. What do you do?

I really don’t know. But what I do know it that you can’t rely on human standards when taking on one of these furry freaks. No Marquess of Queensberry rules here. No, you’re going to have to get primal here. I’m talking about biting, scratching, and all sort of crazy stuff that you might not think of normally.

Like here’s a thought: Shove your whole arm down their throat. I’m pretty sure that you’ll get bit, but you can probably suffocate the thing while your at it. Or just grab the neck, close your eyes, try to grab your precious face, and hope you’ll make it out on the other end.

Or, if there is a water hazard nearby and you have your Blue swimming badge, take a dive and send that chimp to a watery grave.

Having very little body fat, Chimpanzees can’t swim.

Lucky you!

(Disclaimer: If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m not serious about this post. This is a joke and I don’t condone violence against animals. Only if your life depends on it.)